Good Friday

They went to a place called Gethsemane; and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I pray."

What a simple request. Sit here while I pray. I love to watch him pray. When he prays and I am with him, there are no difficult teachings to understand. I don't have to do anything but keep watch and simply be. When Jesus prays, his spirit leads us to a place where everything is held together by love, where the trees and the fields and the animals and the people are gathered into a great reconciliation. The delight of my heart. The fisher of people.

So why do I feel this creeping fear? I know that he warned me that he would be handed over, that one of us would betray him to death, but I cannot believe that such a thing could happen. Not when he prays so wonderfully, not when he loves God like a father and God loves him like a son.

It's the stress of this whole thing, this crazy time, this place. Passover season in Jerusalem is always dangerous. The Romans double their guard, impose extra curfews, bring in reinforcements from neighboring provinces. They're afraid that we will go too far, that we will rise up against them and the waters of the Mediterranean will swallow their empire. You could see it in the way they stiffened when Jesus rode into the city and the people waved the palms of victory and cried "Hosanna!" God help us, as if King David himself were returning to his royal city in the person of my teacher.

My hands are beginning to shake. I'm more nervous than I think. Jesus has been behaving strangely. He turned over the money changers' tables. He expressed contempt at the careful negotiations and boundaries our people made to keep the Romans from destroying us: Roman money on the outside, our own in the holy place. As if there could be no compromise, whatever the cost.

Why do I feel this creeping fear? How can anything go wrong out here? The night is calm. We shared the Seder. Isn't Jesus invincible? I have seen incredible power going through his hands. He can make people rise from their beds. He brings sight to the blind. He cured that crazy boy by prayer. We have been surrounded by signs of his majesty. Surely God will allow no harm to come to him, not Jesus.

What did the prophet Jeremiah say?

they will fight against you,
but they shall not prevail over you,
for I am with you
to save you and deliver you, says the LORD.
I will deliver you out of the hand
of the wicked,
and redeem you from the grasp
of the ruthless.

Ok. So there's been a betrayal. So the Romans are on edge. But God, you will redeem us, won't you? God you will redeem us?

Jesus looks distressed and agitated. I've never seen him this way before. He turns to speak to us. Why am I having trouble concentrating? I know the hour is late and we drank four glasses of wine and a fifth, after supper, when he tried to explain that his body was like bread, that we would continue to be nourished by his presence even after he himself was gone. "I am deeply grieved," he is saying. "I am deeply grieved even to death; remain here and keep awake."

Lord, I cannot bear to see you in such a state. I will watch you while you pray. What a simple thing to ask.

"Abba," he is calling on God, his Abba, his father. Please God, please make it all right. You know I can't live without him. Soon we will be back home in Bethany, around our table, Jesus telling his wonderful stories, giving us the confidence to go on. The Passover moon is so bright. A story is told that they the sky was this bright on the night that Jesus was born. People said it was like day. Jesus told us not to worry, that even if they take him away, he'll come back. It's going to be OK. It's going to be OK.

"Simon, are you asleep? Could you not keep awake one hour?"

I rub the sleep from my eyes. No. Pain, shock, it must have knocked me out.

"Keep awake and pray that you may not come into the time of trial. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

What a simple request. I'll do it this time. My faith is stronger than pain and shock. I will myself to stay awake. My fears are ungrounded. Everything will be all right.

And once more he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were very heavy and they did not know what to say to him. He came a third time and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? Enough! The hour has come; the Son of Man is Betrayed into the hands of sinners. Get up. Let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand."

No, it can't be. How could I have done this? All that he asked was that I watch while he prayed. So simple. So clear. How can I have failed him? How could I have possibly allowed sleep and dreams to overtake me, not once, but three times? I hear people coming. I hear the clank of armor, shield and sword. I feel exposed all of a sudden. I am not a fighting man. Why is all this happening?

It's Judas. One of our own. He is greeting Jesus with the kiss of peace.

The guard shoves me off as if I weren't even here. He grabs Jesus. I see a flash of steel in the torchlight, hear fists impacting flesh. I hear someone's scream. "My ear, my ear!" Now the voice of Jesus. He is his old calm self again. "Have you come out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a bandit?" That's my teacher! Always meeting people boldly with the truth. "Day after day I was with you in the temple teaching, and you did not arrest me."

His eyes are hard upon me.

"But let the scriptures be fulfilled."

What? What does that mean? He's letting them take him. Jesus, you can't let them take you. You'll never get out alive. We would have been here for you, honest.

It's not about you, Simon, he seems to be telling me. It's about God. Once we were expelled from the Garden into the kingdom of Death. Now I am being taken from the Garden to lead you into the kingdom of Life.

"Disperse," says a centurion, brandishing his sword, his servants ringing him like sharp teeth. "Or we'll have all of your heads."

All of them deserted him and fled.

"But let the scriptures be fulfilled."

Jesus, I have failed you. I who promised to follow you into the jaws of death. How can I live with myself? I must not let this happen again. I'll just go somewhere discreet and make sure he's all right. I'm in control. Surely, I can't do anything worse this night, can I?

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